What I Really Want You to Know About Sibling Aggression and Abuse
The most prevalent kind of abuse is MIA during Child Abuse Prevention Month.
This is important to me, and it would mean a great deal if you’d read it, share it with family and friends, and restack. Thank you.
Every April during Child Abuse Prevention Month and each October during Domestic Violence Awareness Month, our society continues to ignore sibling abuse, the most prevalent form of both.
You may have heard of sibling sexual abuse, but likely don’t know that physical and psychological abuse by siblings can also have serious long-term effects on all kids involved. It's been called the hidden epidemic.
Definition of sibling abuse from the American Association for Family and Therapy:
“. . . a repeated pattern of physical aggression with the intent to inflict harm and motivated by a need for power and control.
“Important questions to ask are: . . . “Is the behavior age appropriate?” “Is one child always the loser?””
The article goes on to give the example of “. . . a 12-year-old repeatedly hauling off and slamming his 8-year-old brother for hogging the video remote. . . “ as an example of inappropriate sibling aggression.
What I really want you to know. . . Is that being hurt physically by your brother or sister is every bit as painful, frightening, and damaging as being hurt, threatened, or traumatized by someone outside the family. If anything, it does greater lasting harm since it is also a betrayal. Someone who is supposed to love and protect you attacks you.
. . . is that when you aren’t safe at home, where you should be safest, no place feels safe.
What I really want you to know is that sibling abuse is about domination and control, and it leaves the targets feeling helpless, frustrated, and alone.
. . . is that a kid may only tell you once what is happening when you aren’t around. That the pain of your dismissal or sounding like you are blaming them is too much.
. . . is that when you see one sibling dominating and harming another and don’t stop them, that is a second betrayal. That seems like you think the victim deserves to be treated that way, making them feel bad and shameful. It also further empowers the aggressive sibling.
What I really want parents to know
What I really want parents to know is that sibling rivalry doesn’t involve one kid or teen hurting another physically or emotionally. Please stop chalking disturbing behavior up to rivalry or hoping it will be outgrown.
. . . is that what you see of one sibling’s aggressive behavior toward another is likely the best of it, not the worst.
. . . is that there is a revolving door between peer bullying and sibling abuse. A kid of any age who is bullied at school may bully a sibling at home, and kids who are bullied at home may start to be bullied at school. We know the damaging effects of bullying. Sibling aggression is just as bad and more complicated.
What I really want parents to know is that you aren’t doing an aggressive or abusive sibling any favors by not getting them help. Those siblings can have almost as many harmful long-term effects from being allowed to hurt and dominate as their targets can.
. . . is that depression and PTSD can be daily plagues in and of themselves, and there is also potential for eating disorders, alcohol and drug abuse, and self-harm.
That love mixed with violence and emotional abuse is a toxic mix that follows people through life.
What parents can do
What I really want parents to know is that sibling abuse happens most often when kids are left alone together after school or in the evenings. If parents just stop leaving kids alone with an older one in charge, there’s a lot less opportunity for sibling abuse. Leave them with a sitter, a relative, a healthy neighbor, or at a friend’s house. Let older kids learn responsibility with someone else’s kids, who they won’t treat badly.
What I really want parents to know is that it’s okay for your kids or family to have problems, and there’s no shame in seeking professional help. Every family can do better in meeting their kids’ emotional needs and teaching them how to identify and process negative emotions in a healthy way.
What I really want parents to know is that it’s easy to threaten younger or less aggressive siblings into silence. You may think the aggression has stopped when it has only gone underground. When that happens, things are likely worse for the targeted sibling. It’s best to find a professional who understands sibling abuse to guide you, even if you only consult with them yourself.
You can foster good sibling relationships and help your kids process their emotions in ways that are healthy for them and the rest of the family. You can teach your kids about empathy. This is an excellent article from Parenting Science. I will mention that almost all the photos in it are of people of color. Sibling aggression/abuse knows no racial, ethnic, or socioeconomic boundaries.
Sibling relationships are more important than the parent-child one
Sibling relationships affect our peer relationships throughout life. Most of our adult relationships are with our peers: friends, romantic and business partners, and workmates.
What I really want you to think about is. . . What kind of spouse or partner will your kids have if they recreate their sibling dynamics as adults? What roles will they likely play in those relationships?
What I really want parents to know is that kids and teens abused by siblings are more likely to be victims of domestic violence as adults, and some will become abusive adults themselves. Abusive siblings are more likely to later abuse domestic partners.
The gift of good sibling relationships
What I really want you to know is how important it is to foster good sibling relationships. Positive sibling relationships are one of the best things you can do for your kids. The Centered Parent site has some good suggestions.
It’s also important that we get help for our childhood traumas and issues, so we don’t pass them on to our kids by our behavior. Our childhood defense or survival mechanisms can be impediments to good relationships when we are adults.
I really want you to know how important it is to meet your kids’ emotional needs. Sometimes we need to learn skills that we were never taught. Teach kids how to identify the different elements of those angry feelings: this part is envy, and this part is me feeling bad about myself. Both make me mad, and I take it out on my sister or brother because I don’t know what to do when I feel that way.
. . . know that underneath anger is hurt. If we let boys, especially, cry or otherwise acknowledge their hurt, and show them how to resolve issues through conversation, we’d have a less violent world.
We can end the cycle of domestic violence here
What I really want you to know is that violence is caused by feelings of frustration, helplessness, and inability to communicate, so let’s see what we can do to alleviate those feelings.
. . . parents to know is that ending sibling abuse could be the way to break the cycle of domestic violence.
Help and hope
It’s been a long time coming, but there is help and more research, education, and resources are in the pipeline. The University of New Hampshire now has a Sibling Aggression and Abuse Research and Advocacy Initiative called SAARA. You can check it out here. Among other programs, they are training therapists how to help families dealing with sibling aggression and abuse. You can read about it here.
SAARA’s Corinna Jenkins Tucker, Ph.D., C.F.L.E., and Dr. Tanya Rouleau Whitworth, Ph.D. have a series called The Science of Siblings in Psychology Today
SAARA on Instagram
SAARA on Facebook
Donate to SAARA.
If you were a targeted sibling
I want you to know that you are not alone. That you were not too sensitive or lacking a sense of humor. I see you. I hear you. I understand the harm that this has done. I hope you’ve found peace, healing, and a family of friends who cherish you. I hope you’re thriving.
Resource: here is a good article from Psychology Today